The Saucy Guide to Not Being THAT Guy

Photo by Ben Mater

The Saucy Guide to Not Being THAT Guy

Hey boys and girls, we know festival season can be stressful and you might be wondering how to navigate the festival landscape, so we’re here to help you out by providing some helpful tips which will guide you to not being THAT guy, or girl. These tips are going to be super helpful and it’s crucial that you stick to them because nothing could be worse than losing your hippie cred amongst all your friends. 😉

This is the time to build up your reputation and you don’t want to misstep because you haven’t done your homework. We’re here to help, so heed our tried-and-true advice.

Photo by Leonardo Sousa

Photo by Leonardo Sousa

1. Respect people’s decision to be drug-free and don’t try to convince them to follow a path other than their own. However, it is mandatory that you try and expose them to the healing and transformational effects of DMT, ayahuasca, LSD, and psychedelic mushrooms. How do you know you don’t like something if you’ve never tried it, right? Don’t give up. Try and try again to convince others that they need to experience each of these medicines. Consistent rituals centered around these substances are crucial to becoming “woke.”

2. Take up some kind of flow hobby. Any kind of flow prop. Dancing awkwardly to your favorite artist isn’t good enough when you’re at a festival. You’re doing your job and getting in other people’s personal bubble’s by waving your arms in front of their face and bumping into them on occasion without apologizing, but flow props bring this act to a whole new level. Make sure people notice your mad hooping, staff, or poi skills by heading to the middle of the dance floor and getting your jam on. This takes up some floor space, but people won’t care because they’ll be too busy watching all of your sweet tricks.

Photo by Sarah Liz Perrill

Photo by Sarah Liz Perrill

3. Be sensitive of people’s preferences to smells. If you feel like smoking a cigarette while you’re watching a performance, be considerate and move to the perimeter of the floor so smoke isn’t getting in anyone’s eyes and they’re having to breathe it in. However, it is perfectly acceptable to peruse the crowd waving your palo santo around people because palo santo is healing and everyone likes the smell of it. If you don’t have any palo santo in your arsenal, you better get some, ASAP, because it’s about as essential as peppermint, lavender, and patchouli.

4. Try to arrive in alternative style. Electric and hybrid vehicles are the future and we want to move away from gasoline as much as possible. If you do arrive on site with a typical, gas-powered car, try to make it in a van of some kind. You’ll earn more of a pardon if it’s a VW van and people will only compliment how rad it is, especially if it’s painted and decorated in an eccentric fashion.

5. Community is important. When you’re collaborating with your camp, organize who’s helping to bring water, lighting, camp decorations, and other necessities. People will be depending on you to bring what you’ve committed to bringing, but if for some reason you can’t bring what you said you would, or just don’t feel like bringing anything, don’t worry because, “everything happens for a reason.” Once you recite this age-old saying, people will forget about your lack of contribution and will be happy to provide you with all of the things they’ve brought to camp, even though you’re being a total sparkle pony.

6. Music is clearly an important thing to all of us. It connects us all and it’s a huge part of why we gather. Everyone has different taste in music and it’s important to respect what people like, don’t like, what they want to listen to, and what they don’t want to listen to. It’s not a good look to criticize someone’s taste in music and it doesn’t feel good to be judged based on what music you listen to. If you don’t like Grateful Dead, Phish, Tool, Tipper, Bassnectar, STS9, that’s cool, but don’t mention it to anyone, ever. Everyone likes these bands and you want to be part of the in-crowd, don’t you?

Photo by Nomadic Captures

Photo by Nomadic Captures

Those are our tips and tricks that should help you to not be THAT person at your next festival. Study them, remember them, implement them. Your image is important in any kind of community and you want to make sure you follow all of the socially-constructed rules in each scene you’re trying to be a part of.

We hope that we’ve helped you to get a grasp on what’s to come, but what might be most important is to have fun, know when someone’s joking, and to not take everything so seriously.

Seriously. We’re just joking around and poking a little fun at ourselves here. We can’t wait to welcome the true you to our gathering, however you want to show up. After all, YOU are a part of what makes our community so unique.

Jazzy Cherie

A fiery yet compassionate Leo woman from the West Coast who is constantly inspired by the community bonds and innovation of festival culture. She has been sharing her written creations ever since her first festival, many of which focus on sex and sexuality, community building, and after-event reviews.

Comments: 3

  • Michael Plater II
    Reply June 7, 2017 10:03 am

    I agree with your overall premise of really making yourself a part of the collective experience but I vehemently disagree with your first two points. In fact I think your first point is incredibly contradictory and dangerous. You specifically say “Respect people’s decision to be drug-free” and then immediately follow up with “Don’t give up. Try and try again to convince others that they need to experience each of these medicines.” Those two statements are at complete odds with each other.

    Yes, the drugs can be powerful tools, but they should NEVER be pushed on someone and they are not necessary to be a part of the collective experience and they are not necessary to NOT be that guy.

    To your second point, when has dancing without poi been considered a bad thing? I complete get not wanting people to create mosh pits and get into other’s personal space but when did “dancing to your favorite artist” become awkward, the sounds incredibly judgmental. Poi is fun, and so is dancing.

    Again, I agree with the overall premise, but the first two points were just so wrong on many levels that I felt like something had to be said. Thanks for reading this far.

    • Megan Pru
      Reply September 27, 2017 3:52 pm

      This piece is satire, sir, all of these points are not serious and made in a very tongue-in-cheek way for entertainment purposes. Sometimes it’s good to laugh at ourselves a bit. 😉

      • Michael Plater II
        Reply September 27, 2017 5:09 pm

        …yeah that’s definitely not clear and probably not true at the time of writing.

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